March 2018 – Megan Alexandre

So I recently joined a bunch of Mom groups on Facebook. They’re all lovely in ways, and downright depressing in others. I’ll admit.

Many mornings I wake up and love seeing posts from new Mamas who joined the groups. They’re filled with laughter, and babies/kiddos, and joy. They’re also filled with dark under eye circles, crazy looking hair, sometimes frazzled clothes, sometimes dirty clothes, and smiling babies/kiddos. I can relate. 100%.

Take this morning for example, little man woke up at 2am crying. Normally we would put the pacifier back in his mouth (gross, I know. But I learned they help reduce the chance of SIDS* and being me, that’s on my list of things to avoid) and he would go back to sleep. Done. But this week Nana is staying over. She currently sleeps in the nursery with him on a cot (don’t ask). So poor Nana hears RJ crying and since she can’t find the pacifier picks him up. WHAAAAT?! NOOOO!!!!! Once you lean down, extend arms, wrap hands under and around tiny armpits, it’s over. Done. He is AWAKE. And he has WON. So RJ won. As he continued screaming the hubby and I got up, checked on Nana and RJ, made a bottle, went back to bed. cool. Its only 2:15. But now, we have to fall back to sleep amidst the 876,476,532,567 things flying in my head about what I need to get done TODAY. Before bed TODAY. And I’m still in bed from yesterday/last night. WTF?! Anyone relate to this sh*t?

So the alarm goes off at 5:30 for hubby to get up… and said alarm wakes up tiny human… BUT I DON’T HAVE TO GET UP UNTIL 6… And so at 6:05 I’m up, angry, tired, annoyed, and quite frankly, feeling completely put out that yet again the hubby gets to saunter off to work and I’m stuck dealing with the tiny human and trying to get my butt out the door. I have a tight schedule. My mornings are meant to be filled with “me” time where I don’t talk to anybody, I journal, I get ready for the office, and I most assuredly don’t get interrupted.

But I have a tiny human… and if you’re reading this you probably have a tiny human too… and this morning I read a post from a Mama who was talking about feeling completely overwhelmed with her life, feeling as though she never REALLY gets anything accomplished, and feels as though she isn’t really present in whatever the h*ll it is she is supposed to be doing. Giiiiiirrrrrlllll, I almost forgot to brush my teeth because I was dealing with a full diaper and trying to get my non washed hair into a bun that didn’t look like a dirty, hot mess. I’m with you.

Here’s the thing – so many of the other Mamas feel the same. So do I sometimes. Often, I walk in the door from work and I am bombarded by people talking to me. I honestly just smile, answer whatever “urgent” questions these people have, and use washing my hands as an excuse to get away. I also live in NYC and the subway is downright filthy and I don’t want to touch my tiny human with grimy subway hands, even if he is equally as gross since he crawls and drools and spits up and wears his food more than he ingests it. But I hide and breathe. To refocus on job #2, because let’s face it, being a mom + wife + daughter + friend is also a job. These are job(s) we love, but they’re jobs.

So my wish today is to offer some tid bits that have helped me so far in my short time as a Mama (but intermediate term as a wife and long term multi tasker) –

1- If you are also in a bunch of mom groups, or groups with other humans in general, while sympathizing with the original person who posted is lovely, let’s not all sit around and talk sh*t about our lives. I get it, you’re tired, the cat threw up, the kid/baby cried, the in laws are pains in your buttocks, you didn’t get that PowerPoint done exactly the way you want… whatever… offer actual support. Tips. Tricks. Ideas. Book titles. I can completely relate to all of these Mamas and in so many ways, but I want to HELP. Isn’t that the point of being in a group with other humans? Add value. Offer solutions.
2- If you’re specifically feeling overwhelmed with the 876,476,532,567 tasks swirling around in your head – stop. the. swirling. – get a notebook. Find the prettiest. Sparkliest. Loveliest. Most uplifting notebook you can find. Get a Sharpie marker. Write HEAD DUMP across the top cover. I learned this kick ass technique when listening to Mel Robbins’ book, The 5 Second Rule. Here are the steps :
a. Open book
b. Date page
c. Start writing each and every thing that comes to mind. Feed family. Call hairdresser. Call pediatrician. Manicure. Shower. Read. Journal. Meditate. Tell your partner you love them.

Whatever you need to accomplish gets written down. Don’t overthink it. Don’t judge yourself. Just write it down.

3- Now prioritize. You can put a star for today. 2 for tomorrow. 3 for later. X for never actually going to do. However you want to code your list, do it.
4- Now take a step back and double check your starred items for today. Can you realistically complete them all today? If yes, then highlight them all. If no, highlight the ones you can realistically complete today.

Now you can choose to use this notebook as your to do list if that’s easier. For me, it all goes in the same notebook. Literally. So I have my pages labeled like this – 3/29/18 Personal and then another page 3/29/18 Work (for my day job/side hustle)

For the Mama(s) who feel like they are never fully present, write that in your damn list. Be Present With Family. Be Present At Work. Heck, I write down, Hug Adrien. Tell Adrien “thank you.” Not because I don’t want to hug him and not because I am not grateful for what he does. I write it down because it reminds me to actually act on those feelings. I’m a list maker. I love crossing off sh*t. I have a side hustle – you better believe I write down what needs to get done and try my hardest to be sure it gets done too.

Here is one other thing – write down at least 1 thing for yourself. Make it a starred item. I don’t care if its pluck your eyebrows, put on lipstick, do a whitening treatment for your teeth or freaking hide in the car and read for 30 minutes. Put it in there. Every. Damn. Day. Why? Because if you refuse to take the time for yourself this vicious hamster wheel of never being present will continue.

Here are some non-negotiables for myself that go in every. damn. day.
– Journal (best thing in the last 24 hours, 10 reasons I’m grateful, Affirmations)
– Read 30 minutes
– Listen 30 minutes (some kind of uplifting, intelligent, educational audio)
– Make someone smile
– Remember to say I love you
– Remember to say thank you

Here are some non-negotiables for myself that go in pretty frequently
– Nails
– Hair
– Call xyz (input friend/relative/client/acquaintance)
– Walk 30 minutes
– Join a workout class (this tends to not get done. I’m not proud, but I am honest)
– Join a group (I want to make more friends in my neighborhood. I joined a Book Club most recently, read 75% of the book, and then RJ & my husband needed me the night of the meeting. Girly Book Club I’m coming for you in April!)
– Check budget (I’m totally crazy about making sure our finances are in order and there are NO surprises)

Here’s the thing ladies… we can’t get it all done in one day. But we can take small steps each day. We can be a little more present and get a little more done when using the right tools. But if it means completely sacrificing yourself for “the cause” of being a mom + wife/girlfriend/partner + career woman + daughter + sister + friend than you’re failing. Big time. Hugely. None of the people who need you want you at 50%. They want you at 100%. Probably more like 150%. And if we are so frazzled that we really don’t give a you know what, then we are serving nobody. Write it all out. Prioritize. Take time for you. Once you get a system in place to ease the crazy in your mind (albeit justified crazy) you’ll be more present. I promise.

One last thing – it takes 21 days to make anything a habit. Please don’t tell me it doesn’t work if you’ve tried for 2 days. It’s a 15 minute activity. Pretend you have a stomach ache in the morning, lock yourself in your bathroom, and take 15 minutes to give this a try. Then come tell me it doesn’t work after your feet wake up from sitting on the loo for 15 minutes – 21 days from when you start.

Love,
M

In August 2017 I became a mom. I should say I birthed a baby, but I suppose I became a mom in November 2016 when I started cooking my son. I certainly took myself out for some rockin’ Mexican food for Mother’s Day 2017. That counts right?

When I first found out I was pregnant I panicked. I’m very square, very planned, very detail oriented and quite frankly I lost my sh*t. How was I going to continue my career? How was I going to grow my business? And my family? And what about the weight gain???? Would I lose it? And crap, I was going to give birth in the Summer and I HATE Summer… it is hot, humid, and gross in NYC in the Summer.

My panic lasted all throughout my pregnancy. I literally attempted to do everything myself, just as I had done non-preggo. I assumed if I could do it pregnant, I could do it again not pregnant, and I quite wrongly thought my son was just going to assume his place in MY life. I think somewhere in the recess of my mind I actually believed my life wouldn’t be altered too much, and if it was altered, it would only be for the better and in positive ways. I would still get my hair done. I would still get my nails done. I would still go out with the girls. I would still move up the corporate ladder. I would still grow my business.

And you know what? August 15th 2017 hit me like a brick wall. (I’m not even talking about birth!) My maternity leave was fantastic (for the most part) and then I started thinking balance… how can I balance it all?

Here is what I decided and hopefully it can help you if you’re struggling with the same question.

1 – Balance is relative. What I find “balancing” you may find down right idiotic. So be it. Find what you classify as balance and go for it. Does that mean a yoga class twice a week? Or getting a mani once a week? Or going for a walk around the block? Does that mean locking yourself in the bathroom with a glass of wine and a book?

2 – Every decision I make in my life today revolves around these questions – if Richard married a woman who did/didn’t do this thing/activity/self care what would I think? When Richard starts a family of his own, how do I hope he will act?

I want to be an example to Richard. I want him to know that yes I love him, but no I won’t stop doing the things I enjoy simply because he came into my life.
My balance is my nails every two weeks. My hair every 6 weeks. My career. My business. My reading. I purposely put “My” in front of all of those activities. They’re mine. I share them with Richard, and he flirts with all the ladies at the nail salon and hair salon. He watches me work my day job and career. Heck, he watched me struggle to figure out what the hell I’m doing with this blog. He plays on the floor while I read. This is on purpose. I want Richard to have his “things” and I want him to know that keeping them are imperative to balancing a “new” life.

3 – He is going to hate me for something, at some point in his life. I am not going to try and be perfect. For what? To be frazzled and crazy and uncertain of myself all. the. time.? No. He can hate me for making him eat vegetables. He can hate me for sleep training. He can hate me for having a curfew. Whatever his reasons will be, they will be. Striving for perfection is impossible. Thanks anyway.

4 – Try your hardest to find time with your significant other. Hubby and I have had our fair share of fights, arguments, struggles, and difficulties. And when I take a step back from being as stubborn as a donkey and really focus on “us” I realize (time and time again) he is trying his hardest, and so am I. I don’t care if its a hug in the kitchen. A text message saying, “thank you.” A quickie while the baby naps. Whatever. Take the time to spend time with your significant other. You made a baby. You liked each other then… find reasons to like each other now. Remember, little eyes are always watching… be the example you hope they grow up to be.

5 – Delegate. Find tasks you hate doing and find a way to get help. You literally can’t do it all. I’ll give you the same advice my Nana gave my mom, and my mom gave me… the dust will still be there when she/he is grown and leaving for college. Now I may still lose my mind over dust at least 3x/week, but I try to remember I have help. And I try to use it.

I hope these help. I’m not a balance guru, but I am a Mama and a Wife and a Human. You deserve time for yourself. You deserve to be proud of yourself. And you deserve to remember that you’re enough. Dammit you.are.enough. Keep up the stellar work girlfriend. One day when those tiny humans grow up to be big humans they’ll get it. I certainly get it when I look at my Mama today.

xo,

Month: March 2018

Getting it all done and Being Present

Balancing it all – what?