So I recently joined a bunch of Mom groups on Facebook. They’re all lovely in ways, and downright depressing in others. I’ll admit.
Many mornings I wake up and love seeing posts from new Mamas who joined the groups. They’re filled with laughter, and babies/kiddos, and joy. They’re also filled with dark under eye circles, crazy looking hair, sometimes frazzled clothes, sometimes dirty clothes, and smiling babies/kiddos. I can relate. 100%.
Take this morning for example, little man woke up at 2am crying. Normally we would put the pacifier back in his mouth (gross, I know. But I learned they help reduce the chance of SIDS* and being me, that’s on my list of things to avoid) and he would go back to sleep. Done. But this week Nana is staying over. She currently sleeps in the nursery with him on a cot (don’t ask). So poor Nana hears RJ crying and since she can’t find the pacifier picks him up. WHAAAAT?! NOOOO!!!!! Once you lean down, extend arms, wrap hands under and around tiny armpits, it’s over. Done. He is AWAKE. And he has WON. So RJ won. As he continued screaming the hubby and I got up, checked on Nana and RJ, made a bottle, went back to bed. cool. Its only 2:15. But now, we have to fall back to sleep amidst the 876,476,532,567 things flying in my head about what I need to get done TODAY. Before bed TODAY. And I’m still in bed from yesterday/last night. WTF?! Anyone relate to this sh*t?
So the alarm goes off at 5:30 for hubby to get up… and said alarm wakes up tiny human… BUT I DON’T HAVE TO GET UP UNTIL 6… And so at 6:05 I’m up, angry, tired, annoyed, and quite frankly, feeling completely put out that yet again the hubby gets to saunter off to work and I’m stuck dealing with the tiny human and trying to get my butt out the door. I have a tight schedule. My mornings are meant to be filled with “me” time where I don’t talk to anybody, I journal, I get ready for the office, and I most assuredly don’t get interrupted.
But I have a tiny human… and if you’re reading this you probably have a tiny human too… and this morning I read a post from a Mama who was talking about feeling completely overwhelmed with her life, feeling as though she never REALLY gets anything accomplished, and feels as though she isn’t really present in whatever the h*ll it is she is supposed to be doing. Giiiiiirrrrrlllll, I almost forgot to brush my teeth because I was dealing with a full diaper and trying to get my non washed hair into a bun that didn’t look like a dirty, hot mess. I’m with you.
Here’s the thing – so many of the other Mamas feel the same. So do I sometimes. Often, I walk in the door from work and I am bombarded by people talking to me. I honestly just smile, answer whatever “urgent” questions these people have, and use washing my hands as an excuse to get away. I also live in NYC and the subway is downright filthy and I don’t want to touch my tiny human with grimy subway hands, even if he is equally as gross since he crawls and drools and spits up and wears his food more than he ingests it. But I hide and breathe. To refocus on job #2, because let’s face it, being a mom + wife + daughter + friend is also a job. These are job(s) we love, but they’re jobs.
So my wish today is to offer some tid bits that have helped me so far in my short time as a Mama (but intermediate term as a wife and long term multi tasker) –
1- If you are also in a bunch of mom groups, or groups with other humans in general, while sympathizing with the original person who posted is lovely, let’s not all sit around and talk sh*t about our lives. I get it, you’re tired, the cat threw up, the kid/baby cried, the in laws are pains in your buttocks, you didn’t get that PowerPoint done exactly the way you want… whatever… offer actual support. Tips. Tricks. Ideas. Book titles. I can completely relate to all of these Mamas and in so many ways, but I want to HELP. Isn’t that the point of being in a group with other humans? Add value. Offer solutions.
2- If you’re specifically feeling overwhelmed with the 876,476,532,567 tasks swirling around in your head – stop. the. swirling. – get a notebook. Find the prettiest. Sparkliest. Loveliest. Most uplifting notebook you can find. Get a Sharpie marker. Write HEAD DUMP across the top cover. I learned this kick ass technique when listening to Mel Robbins’ book, The 5 Second Rule. Here are the steps :
a. Open book
b. Date page
c. Start writing each and every thing that comes to mind. Feed family. Call hairdresser. Call pediatrician. Manicure. Shower. Read. Journal. Meditate. Tell your partner you love them.
Whatever you need to accomplish gets written down. Don’t overthink it. Don’t judge yourself. Just write it down.
3- Now prioritize. You can put a star for today. 2 for tomorrow. 3 for later. X for never actually going to do. However you want to code your list, do it.
4- Now take a step back and double check your starred items for today. Can you realistically complete them all today? If yes, then highlight them all. If no, highlight the ones you can realistically complete today.
Now you can choose to use this notebook as your to do list if that’s easier. For me, it all goes in the same notebook. Literally. So I have my pages labeled like this – 3/29/18 Personal and then another page 3/29/18 Work (for my day job/side hustle)
For the Mama(s) who feel like they are never fully present, write that in your damn list. Be Present With Family. Be Present At Work. Heck, I write down, Hug Adrien. Tell Adrien “thank you.” Not because I don’t want to hug him and not because I am not grateful for what he does. I write it down because it reminds me to actually act on those feelings. I’m a list maker. I love crossing off sh*t. I have a side hustle – you better believe I write down what needs to get done and try my hardest to be sure it gets done too.
Here is one other thing – write down at least 1 thing for yourself. Make it a starred item. I don’t care if its pluck your eyebrows, put on lipstick, do a whitening treatment for your teeth or freaking hide in the car and read for 30 minutes. Put it in there. Every. Damn. Day. Why? Because if you refuse to take the time for yourself this vicious hamster wheel of never being present will continue.
Here are some non-negotiables for myself that go in every. damn. day.
– Journal (best thing in the last 24 hours, 10 reasons I’m grateful, Affirmations)
– Read 30 minutes
– Listen 30 minutes (some kind of uplifting, intelligent, educational audio)
– Make someone smile
– Remember to say I love you
– Remember to say thank you
Here are some non-negotiables for myself that go in pretty frequently
– Nails
– Hair
– Call xyz (input friend/relative/client/acquaintance)
– Walk 30 minutes
– Join a workout class (this tends to not get done. I’m not proud, but I am honest)
– Join a group (I want to make more friends in my neighborhood. I joined a Book Club most recently, read 75% of the book, and then RJ & my husband needed me the night of the meeting. Girly Book Club I’m coming for you in April!)
– Check budget (I’m totally crazy about making sure our finances are in order and there are NO surprises)
Here’s the thing ladies… we can’t get it all done in one day. But we can take small steps each day. We can be a little more present and get a little more done when using the right tools. But if it means completely sacrificing yourself for “the cause” of being a mom + wife/girlfriend/partner + career woman + daughter + sister + friend than you’re failing. Big time. Hugely. None of the people who need you want you at 50%. They want you at 100%. Probably more like 150%. And if we are so frazzled that we really don’t give a you know what, then we are serving nobody. Write it all out. Prioritize. Take time for you. Once you get a system in place to ease the crazy in your mind (albeit justified crazy) you’ll be more present. I promise.
One last thing – it takes 21 days to make anything a habit. Please don’t tell me it doesn’t work if you’ve tried for 2 days. It’s a 15 minute activity. Pretend you have a stomach ache in the morning, lock yourself in your bathroom, and take 15 minutes to give this a try. Then come tell me it doesn’t work after your feet wake up from sitting on the loo for 15 minutes – 21 days from when you start.
Love,
M